Performance Show

Good Evening, America!  Here we are… the final performances of the season.  Tonight, it’s the battle of the David’s.  The Rocker or the Tween Dream?  Which one will it be?  David “Combover” Cook or David “Stepford” Archuleta.  Only one can take the title.  After the performances tonight and two hours of filler tomorrow, we’ll know which one will take home the title.  This… is American Idol!

Tonight, our wannabes will be singing 3 songs each.  Will star power or fan power win out?  Lil’ Davie won the coin toss, so he’ll be going second.  (Smart move.  Always better to go second.  That way you are the last one the audience hears.)  My words of wisdom for our finalists… Go big or go home!

David Cook is up first with “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”, chosen by Clive Davis.  I’m not a big U2 fan, but I’m intrigued to see what he does with it.  Cook is doing a good job of matching his gruff voice with the clarity this song calls for.  He’s bringing the emotion and the power.  This is less like a performance in a competition as it is a performance at one of his concerts.  Of course, he had to do the required “Idol long last note” to finish the song.  It wouldn’t be Idol without it. 

David Archuleta is singing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”, also chosen by Clive Davis.  This is an uninspired choice.  Great song, but it’s a very Archuleta-esque song.  As always, he’s singing it very well, and for once he’s keeping his eyes open… but every time he does his stage-bob while he sings, I just want to hit him in the knees with a lead pipe.  Where’s Tonya Harding when you need her?  Also, I don’t believe his humble/innocent façade for one second.  He knows how good he is, and it just comes off as fake.  Fake, fake, fake. 

Simon says Round 1 goes to Archuleta.  For me, I say that’s a lie, it’s untrue, and don’t say it. 

David Cook is here for Round 2 with his choice from the song writing competition “Dream Big”.  I’m so not looking forward to another weepy crap song that no one will remember a week from now.  David has turned it into a rock song, but it kinda sounds like it could be the new finale song for “Rent”.  Of all the songs, from all the seasons, this one bothered me the least.  It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awful.   

Davie Archuleta is singings his song writers’ choice, “In this Moment”.  A ballad?  Really?  Consider me shocked.  Just as shocked as all get out.  This is a second-rate cross between Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” and Shania Twain’s “In this Moment”.  (Hmmm, I just noticed how elfish his ears look.  Shoot, I could have been making fun of that all season.)  I can only say that, yes, again he sang very well.  Blah.

Simon says Round 2 goes to Archuleta as well.  Just kidding, he said it went to Cook.  Just kidding, he didn’t say anything at all.  Just kidding, he did say something, but I can’t tell you.  Just kidding, I can, but I don’t want to.  Just kidding, I do, but I won’t.  Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. 

Round 3 is Singer’s Choice.  Cook has chosen “The World I Know”.  This is the David Cook the rest of you fell in love with from the beginning.  (As we all know, I’m only rooting for him because I want Archuleta to lose.)  I would call this David Cook Unplugged.  I give him credit for showing versatility tonight with his song choices.  And him crying after he finished… that was real.  (Take a note Archuleta.)  When Ryan stands next to Cook, he looks like the leader of the lollypop guild put into a big-boy suit next to someone real-sized. 

Here is David Archuleta to sing his final and favorite song of the competition “Imagine”.  Crap.  If there was any song that would clinch the competition for him, it’s this one.  It’s not like I wish him bad things, but I do not wish him well.  Davie has not had a misstep tonight.  Unfortunately.  Performance-wise, he has won the night.  And thanks to him, we got a last minute spin on Paula’s Wheel of Random Emotion with a land on “Weepy Whiny Tears”.  And you know Simon has been waiting to use that “knock out” metaphor all night long.

Well, that’s our show for tonight.  It didn’t go exactly how I wanted it to.  I was hoping for Cook to whoop up on Archuleta and wipe the floor with him.  I don’t think it was as much of a knockout as Simon says it was, but I do agree that Stepford Archuleta won the night.  (You have no idea how much it pains me to say that.)  Now, all we can do is tune in tomorrow night to see how the votes went down.  Same Steve Time.  Same Steve Channel.

Results Show

Good Evening, America!  Here we are!  This is it!  No more voting.  No more judging.  Tonight is the night of nights.  Millions of people have waited almost 5 months for this one night.  Why is it so special, you ask?  Tonight, someone named David will be crowned this year’s American Idol.  But first, we have to get through 2 hours of filler and musical performances.  Are you ready?  Let’s check our supplies.  Ample amount of caffeine?  Check.  Seven seasons of accumulated knowledge of American Idol?  Check.  Ingrained sense of cynicism?  Check.  Sit back.  Relax.  (This is gonna take awhile.)  This… is the American Idol Season Finale!

There are celebrities everywhere!  (Too many to name)  There were 97.5 million votes last night.  (I know 1000 of those belonged to my brother.)  What the heck is Randy wearing?  His stylist must hate him a whole bunch.  One David received 56% of the vote.  The other David got 44%.  I’m sure Hillary Clinton would advise the second place David to stay in the race to the bitter end.  (You never know what could happen.  You should know that I am, of course, an American Idol Superdelegate.)   

Our Top 12 are here to perform in their standard “Up With People” white outfits doing the most complicated choreography they’ve had all season.  They’re singing “Get Ready Cause Here I Come”.  Stepford Archuleta seems to not be bothered that he doesn’t know the steps.  Brooke White, on the other hand, having had 3 weeks to learn the dance, proves to be an enthusiastic participant.  Uh-oh, those looked like illegal lifts.  Carrie Anne Inaba is going to have to deduct some points for that. 

The Davids did a quick change, and now they’re performing that song from the first Spider-Man movie.  They’re a little out of synch, and their voices aren’t exactly meshing as well as they could.  Oh well, nobody’s perfect.  Now, we’re “treated” to a promo for the new movie “Love Guru”.  As a treat, Guru Pitka graces our finalists with some last-minute mentoring.  Loved the Melrose Place reference, and the Archuleta puberty joke!  (At least Cook tried to act.  Archie just stood there doing his “adorable” shtick”.) 

Syesha is here to sing “Waiting for You” with Seal.  (Oooh, I wonder if Heidi Klum is in the audience?)  She looks phenomenal and sounds pretty good too.  Now it’s Jason Castro’s turn, and he’s singing “Hallelujah”, the song that got him into the Top 12.  Not as good as the first time he did it, but still better than most of the stuff he did all season.  Time for the final Ford Music Video to “Let the Good Times Roll”.  This is pretty much just a clip package of a behind the scenes look at all the past commercials.  Wow, Ford is able to save money and make money at the same time.  Blah.  Oh, and both finalists got Ford Escape Hybrids.  (Like they needed any more prizes.) 

Our Top 6 Girls are singings the hits of Donna Summer.  (Ramiele looks shorter than I remember.)  Most of the girls sounded great, and it almost makes me want to go see the tour.  Almost.  Donna Summer joins the girls to sing her new single “Stamp Your Feet”, then goes into her classic “Last Dance”.  This song is timeless, and it’s good to see she still has her vocal ability.  (Very jealous of Syesha right now.)

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, the two contestants who left before they should have, are going to sing “The Letter”.  They are both in top form and proving that they should have been in the Top 5.  (I hope they both get record deals.)  That was entertaining and very impressive. 

Our Top 6 guys are rocking it out to Bryan Adams songs… well, as much as you can rock out to Bryan Adams.  (Oh look, they invited the Stripper back.)  Wow, you can really hear Michael Johns overtop of all the others.  If this is American Idol, why did they invite a Canadian to sing?  

David Cook is back to perform “Sharp Dressed Man” with ZZ Top.  He has to be in 7^th Heaven right now.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and he’s definitely making the most of it.   Brooke is performing with Graham Nash.  (I would have preferred if they had gotten Carly Simon to perform with her, or even Carole King.  Maybe next time.)  I’m so proud of my Brooke.   

Yay!  It’s “We Are Brothers Forever”!!!  My all-time favorite performance of the season!  Love the band and cheerleaders!  Paula, Randy, and Ryan joining in was just the icing on the cake!  Yay!  That was awesome!

Oh, and David Archuleta sings with One Republic.  That was just painful.  One Republic did very well.  And Davie did well by himself.  Together, it was awful.  Just awful.

(If you feel that I’ve missed talking about certain things, you’re right.  I’m fast-forwarding through a lot.)  The Top 12 are here for the last time before results.  They are singing the greatest hits of George Michael.  Amanda Overmeyer doesn’t even seem like she’s trying.  I forgot that the Stripper was actually a very good singer.  (Take a note future wannabes, this is what scandal will get you.  Early ejection and no possibility of a career.)  And no surprise to anyone, George Michael is here as well.  (I loved him on Eli Stone this season.)

Now, finally to the results.  Randy rambles on about nothing, Paula cries, and Simon admits that Cook did better last night than he gave them credit for.  So, here it is.  Ryan has the envelope.  (The tension is bearable.)  The winner, by 12 million votes, of American Idol Season 2008 is David… (We all knew that part.) What?!!  My DVR just stopped!  I have no clue who just won!  You’ve got to be friggin’ kidding me.  This is the worst thing EVER!  (Big sweeping hand motion)  Hold on for a second while I call my brother.  Okay, got it.

The winner, by 12 million votes, of American Idol Season 2008 is David… Cook!!  Seriously?!!  Yay!  (Take that Stepford Archuleta!)  Cook is experiencing Shock and Awe.  He blames his brother and calls the rest of the Top 12 to join him for his final song.  It’s everything you could possibly want and dread in an Idol coronation ballad. 

Well, that’s our show for this season.  The right person won, which is always good.  I want to thank all my readers for another great season.  I hope you had as much fun as I did.  Come back next January when we’ll do it all again.  Same Steve Time.  Same Steve Channel.