Good Evening, America! This is a severely important night for Idol. Tonight determines which 2 contestants will duke it out next week to take home the title. There has been a lot of talk all day that it’s too close to call. Is Adam Lambert-Martin a lock for the Final 2? Did Kris Allen do enough last night with his phenomenal performance of “Heartless” to save himself? Are people finally tired of Danny Gokey? All those questions and more will be answered tonight. This… is American Idol!

We start the show with a plug for “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian”. If you haven’t seen the first one, I suggest you rent it. I didn’t see it when it was in theatres and ended up watching it this winter. Turns out it’s really funny. Who knew? As for the bit about the Idol desk being in the Smithsonian, overall it was funny too. I heart Ben Stiller.

Seacrest tells us there were 88 million votes last night and that only 1 million votes separated the Top 2. What that tells me is that the Top 2 got a crap ton of votes, and the 3rd person… not so much. (I’ll regret that joke later if Adam is the one to go home.) Jordan Sparks and Katy Perry are both here with us tonight.

Ford Music Video set to “Break My Stride”. Our guys are walking down the street, when all of the sudden… they are savagely torn to bits by rabid dogs! Okay, so Adam turned the world into a giant beige cartoon and threw a steak for the dogs to chase… but my idea was much cooler. Then the guys get into a convertible just as nasty storm clouds form overhead. Thankfully, Beige Cartoon Kris has an allergic reaction that causes his body to swell up, but also gives him the power to blow away the clouds. Whew! That was a close one. Just when things look pleasant, the guys run into a traffic jam. Have no fear, Creepy Cartoon Danny grows tentacles and pushes the cars out of the way. He looks just as pleased with himself as if he had just butchered an Aerosmith song. Ahh, and then they drive off into the sunset. Warm fuzzies all around.

Alicia Keys comes on stage to tell us all about the good works of Idol Strikes Back. I fast-forwarded through most of it, but some child from Rwanda came here to sing. I’m sure it was wonderful.

Before we can get to the results, it’s time to join the Final 3 as they travel back home for parades and whatnot. Danny Gokey is up first for his trip to Milwaukee, which includes: screaming people, the local news, screaming people, radio show, limo ride, screaming people, Jamar (yay!), screaming people, crazy woman in a sparkly dress/pj pants/feather boa, parade, screaming people, Mountie, crying Danny, performance under the highway, screaming people, mayor, screaming people, Brewers game first pitch, and more screaming people.

Kris Allen is next for his trip home. Kris’s video goes: screaming people, local news, screaming kids, limo ride, radio show, performance in an amphitheater on a river, screaming little girls that terrify me, parents’ house, crying dad, performance at his college, parade, pretty wife, baby, scary women in green wigs, screaming girls, performance in a park, Mayor, crying family, words of thanks, and more screaming people.

Jordan Sparks, the winner from Season 6, is here to sing “Battlefield” her new single. She looks amazing! I like this song. It has the feel of one of those songs that will grow on you the more you hear it.

Adam Lambert-Martin joins Ryan on stage to go over his trip him, which included: limo, local news, screaming people, snakeskin boots, screaming people, signing a guitar, radio show, screaming little girls and one old dude who wants Adam to sign his polo shirt, limo, more screaming girls, theatre group for kids, adorable little boy, limo, high school parade, cheerleaders, Mayor, streaker, screaming girls, and a National Anthem performance.

Before we can get to any actual content tonight, Katy Perry is here to sing “Waking Up in Vegas”. A lot of people don’t like her or her music, but I find her thoroughly enjoyable. (I love her cd.) Katy comes on stage dressed like a cross between Elvis and Wonder Woman with Adam Lambert’s name embroidered on her cape. (See, I knew I liked her.) She’s not the best live singer, but she makes up for it with her charisma. I think Ms. Katy Perry is just as adorable as can be.

With 4 minutes left to go in the show, we finally get to the results. The first person in the finale is… Kris Allen. (I’m okay with this, but now I’m getting very nervous for my Adam. I have moved any glass objects or anything remotely breakable out of arm’s reach, because I really don’t want smash something during an anger-fueled tantrum.) The other person in the finale is… ADAM LAMBERT-MARTIN!!!! (So excited right now, you have no idea! This calls for a celebration dance break! I think Paula’s new single “I’m Just Here for the Music” is appropriate.) Kara seems upset that Danny is going home, which means she was rooting for him over my Adam, which proves once again just how stupid she is. (Maybe this could be Kara’s one and only season. I’d be okay with that.) If Allison couldn’t be here to be in the finals with Adam, I’m glad that it’s Kris. (Still would have preferred Allison.)

Well, that’s our show for tonight. Somewhat shocking results. Had my fingers crossed all day that Adam would be in the finals, and even though my Hoops & Yoyo Fortune Teller told me he would be, I was still nervous. I truly expected Danny to be the other person in the finals with Adam, but I’m glad it’s Kris. Next week will definitely be interesting. I’m going to ask you all to do me a favor right now. Next Tuesday, could you please vote for Adam A LOT? For me? Thanks ever so much. Tune in again to see how it all goes down. Same Steve Time. Same Steve Channel.