Good Evening, America! This is it! The Final Showdown! In a little over 2 hours we’ll find out which person, Adam Lambert-Martin or Kris Allen, will be crowned this year’s winner! I know I’ve been obsessing the past few months about this show… and my favorite contestant, and I’m sure some of you are ready for it to be done. I can promise everyone that it will all be done after tonight… well, after tomorrow morning, because I know at work we’ll either be having mini celebratory dances or a bitch-fest. But after that… all done. Promise. Till then, on with the show. This… is American Idol!

I’m beyond nervous and excited. If I could fast-forward through time and just get to the results, I would. I’m not one for delayed gratification. At all.

Seacrest tells us that just under 100 million votes came in, bringing our season total to a record-setting 624 million votes. (I can personally account for 500 of those votes last night. My fingers about fell off by the time I was done texting. No matter the outcome tonight, thanks to all who voted for Adam yesterday. It is greatly appreciated.) We are treated to clips of the Judges’ sage comments throughout the season: Randy constantly saying “For me”, Kara saying “Honey” and “Sweetie”, Paula and her jumble of words thanks to Paula’s Wheel of Random Emotion, and Simon rarely paying attention. Honestly, I wish they would have shown how many times Kara said, “here’s the thing”.

Seacrest brings out the finalists, and they are both dressed in white. (Needless to say, Adam Lambert-Martin pulls it off better.) We join Mikalah Gordon live in Conway, Arkansas with Kris’s fans. (Mikalah appears to have stolen Lisa Rinna’s lips.) In San Diego for Adam, we have the amazing Carly Smithson. Love her accent!

Our Top 13 kick off our 2 hours of filler performances with “So What” by Pink. Per usual, they are dressed in their Up With People white outfits. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_with_People) I love this song so much! Not their performance of course, but the song in general. The choreography is hysterical, and it seems more like the rejects from a show choir than our Top 13. (They could take a lesson from the cast of “Glee”.) This does not bode well for the group performances on the tour. They are having a great time together, so I guess that makes up for some of it… but not all.

David Cook is here to perform “Permanent”. If you haven’t heard, David Cook’s brother recently lost his battle with cancer. “Permanent” will be available on iTunes after the show, and all the proceeds will go to ABCSquared, which is a cancer foundation. It’s a good song. Everyone should go download it. For a little over $1, we can all do something to help in the fight against cancer.

Now it’s time for the annual Golden Idol Awards, one of the most mean spirited awards on TV. The first award is for Outstanding Male. Without evening seeing the nominees, I knew this would go to Norman Gentle. He strips off his outfit to reveal his shorts and shiny shirts and sings “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” one more time. This was funny the first few times. Now, not so much. I believe his 15 minutes are official up.

Our first Pro/Am duet of the evening is Queen Latifah and Lil Rounds with “Cue the Rain”. It’s better than we’ve seen Lil since the early rounds. Lil needs to be part of some Destiny’s Child-like girl group, because she sounds so much better when she’s singing with someone else. Their harmonies are excellent.

2^nd Pro/Am collaboration is Jason Mraz with Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace singing “I’m Yours”. I really wish Kris had done this during the season or this had been his duet tonight. I need to say how much I hate Anoop’s poor attempt at growing facial hair. And Alexis looks like the love child of Tinkerbell and a hooker. The performance itself is wonderful. Oh, and the other also-rans join them for back-up vocals.

Now we have “The Journey of Kris Allen”. Since I’m sure most of you watched this season, I’ll spare you (and myself) the details. Our 3^rd Pro/Am song is Kris Allen and Keith Urban (Mr. Nicole Kidman) with “Kiss A Girl”. They sound amazing together, and are rocking their guitars. What a great duet.

Our Tops Girls sing “Glamorous” by Fergie. Meghan Joy reminds us exactly why she got kicked off when she did. Before too long, our girls are joined by Fergie herself for a rendition of “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. (Oooh, black hair. Didn’t expect that.) Then our Idols depart the stage for the Black Eyed Peas to sing their new single “Boom Boom Pow”. This song has really grown on me.

Back to the Golden Idol Awards. This time for Best Attitude. Again, this goes hands down to Bikini Girl, Katrina. She struts onstage in her bikini, and she bought two new toys since the last time we saw her. Bikini Girl gets to sing “Vision of Love” one more time, and it’s worse than her audition, if that’s possible. (I strongly dislike this girl. She makes me want to set her on fire.) But before it can get any worse, Kara appears onstage behind her, surprising her, and joins her on the song, proving once and for all that Kara can sing it better. All Bikini Girl can do is stand there and looks stupid in her bikini. (That may be her only marketable skill.) During the final note, Kara unbuttons her dress revealing her own bikini. Apparently, Simon/Randy/Ryan bet Kara she wouldn’t wear a bikini on the show, and since she did, they have to donate a lot of money to her favorite charity. For once, I actually like Ms. Dioguardi. (I’m sure the feeling will pass.)

We’re at the halfway mark, and I’m starting to get really nervous. Our 4^th Pro/Am song is “Time After Time” with Allison Iraheta and Cyndi Lauper. So very cool. They both sound wonderful, and it’s very cool that Cyndi is playing some sort of lap guitar. It only gets better on their chorus harmony. It’s gorgeous, and it’s inspired. Love it!

Danny Gokey time. He’s singing “Hello”. I got bored and began texting, and the next thing I know Lionel Ritchie is onstage singing “Just Go” with Danny Karaoke. They transition into “All Night Long”, and I will pay attention to this. No matter how much time goes by, I still love this song.

Adam Lambert-Martin is singing “Beth” by KISS. He’s got a very KISS-like outfit on, and it suits him. The song is subdued and absolutely wonderful. Just when I think it’s over, KISS is dropped from the ceiling in a waterfall of fire and sparks. How cool is that! They do “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock and Roll All Night”. This might be the best Pro/Am collaboration of any Idol season. They blend so well. It’s perfection. I’m honestly speechless. This is just too cool for words. I had to watch it again. Adam’s note at the end was flawless. Loved it!

Carlos Santana is performing “Black Magic Woman”… all by himself. Are we to assume that Carlos Santana is just too cool to be forced to perform with any Idols? Oh, no, I’m mistaken, there’s Matt Giraud… and his hat. The other Idols take the stage to sing “Smooth”, my favorite Santana collaboration song EVER. (Big sweeping hand motion!) Note to Danny Karaoke, please no crotch thrusting. This is a family show. (Oh, there’s Heather Locklear! I heart her!)

The final Ford Music Video is “I Will Remember You” by Kris and Adam. It shows clips from all the previous videos. It sounds amazing. This should be put as a single on iTunes. Then David Cook surprises Adam and Kris with their own 2010 Ford Fusion Hybirds. Very nice.

Steve Martin (not me, the other one that stole my name and is constantly trying to steal my spotlight) is here, but he’s forced to perform with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver. Hey Idol Producers! What did Steve Martin ever do to you, huh? The performance is okay, but “rough” would be the best way to describe the whole thing.

Our Top Guys take the stage now to sing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”. The answer to most of you would be NO. Rod Stewart (Did I ever tell you that my mom used to date Rod Stewart?) joins the Idols to sing “Maggie May”. Is it just me, or is Rod Stewart drunk? Paula, thoughts? You’re the expert here. (I kid.)

I’m watching the show live tonight so that I find out who is our American Idol when it happens. After having the DVR for so long, I forgot how much I loathe live TV. This is killing me.

Our last Golden Idol Award is for Outstanding Female. Raise your hand if you didn’t know this would go to Tatiana Del Toro. No one? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Love that she stole the microphone and ran off and kept shrugging off the stage hands while continuing to sing. Oh, at least she was always entertaining. (She totally reminds me of the diva in the show choir on “Glee”.)

Before we get to the results, we get an Adam/Kris duet to “We Are The Champions”. Such an appropriate song for tonight. And I love, love, LOVE that they brought out the remains of Queen to play and the gospel choir to sing back up. Another truly inspired and amazing performance. Before it ends, Kris and Adam join hands, teach the world to sing, give everyone a Coke, and peace is declared in the Middle East! I knew this show was powerful, but wow! For once, I’m not mad at all about all the filler while we wait for the results. This was a helluva show!

This is it! The moment of truth! (I can’t take it. My heart is beating out of my chest. I think I’m going to vomit.) After nearly 100 million votes, the winner of American Idol 2009 is… Kris Allen?? Coffee House Kris? You’ve got to be effing kidding me!! Seriously? This isn’t a joke? For once, I honestly have no words… or at least no words that I can type here. (It’s a moment like this that I’m glad I never throw away old or chipped glasses. I’ll be right back. I need to go outside to scream and break something.) The anger and disappointment I feel right now has eased slightly due to the tapestry of obscenities that I have woven that will forever hang over Ohio. All day long, I had a feeling this was going to happen. I kept saying that America wasn’t ready to vote for someone like Adam, that Kris was the safer vote for conservative Middle America, and if Adam lost, tonight’s result had nothing to do with who was more talented or deserving. Usually, I enjoy being right, but this isn’t one of those times.

Well, that’s our show for tonight and for the season. I think I’m going to have to take a lesson from my Adam Lambert-Martin and be happy for Kris. It’s not that I dislike him. That’s not it at all. He’s a very talented singer, and we’ll be able to enjoy watching him perform at coffee shops all across the country. (I kid.) It’s just my opinion that someone else should have won *cough* Adam *cough*, and since this is my blog, it’s only my opinion that counts. I know that Adam will have a phenomenal career, and maybe by not winning, this will give him the chance to make the album he wants to make. (Also excited for Allison’s cd!) Ooooh, I just realized the upside to all this: Kris has to release that craptastic song “No Boundaries” and Adam doesn’t! Ha ha ha! In conclusion, thanks to all of you who followed along this season, and extra thanks to those of you who voted for my Adam Lambert-Martin. As much as I threatened to never watch the show again if Adam lost, I know I was lying. I’ll see you back here next Spring. Same Steve Time. Same Steve Channel.